Funny Wrestling Quotes
"I'M GONNA TURN THAT SON OF A BITCH SIDEWAYS AND STICK IT STRAIT UP YOUR CANDYASS!" -- The Rock
"Hey Bischoff, you get a couple
frequent flier miles for that last ride there?"--Kevin Nash
"I
have a bigger ballroom than this in my mansion. And everybody
knows that Hunter Hearst Helmsley has the biggest balls.in his
ballroom."--Hunter Hearst Helmsley
"[Sunny]
didn't make a fool out of Phineas--God beat her to
that."--Jerry Lawler
"Thank
you very little, you're welcome even less!"--Jim Cornette
"I
might decide to rifle off some choice words and let the FCC O.J.
your ass right off the air!"--Brian Pillman to Todd
Pettingill on Superstars
"I'm
out in the ring, Shawn Michaels turns to me and says, 'Hey, I got
a couple of vertebrae out. Would you mind puttin 'em in with that chair?'
He turns his back, I whack him and all of a sudden I'm a bad
guy."--Kevin Nash
"I'm
a member of the Kliq--isn't everybody?"--Kevin Nash
"Basically
you guys have just put a sharp object in Jack the Ripper's
hand"--Kevin Nash, when Jim Ross told him he could say anything and it
would be on live T.V
"I
think everybody that Diesel is the baddest mother....TRUCKER--can
I say that--in the business."--Kevin Nash
"Heartbreak
Kid is gonna kick is Maybe, just maybe Shawn Michaels The 7 foot
ass tonight in Omaha, Did anybody in Nebraska think of that? 'Cause I
know I did!"--Shawn Michaels
"Did
your parents build knows you a swing facing a wall when you were
a kid?"--Roddy Piper
"You
keep your mouth shut, kid. I'm the world champion,
O.K."--Ric Flair
"[Bischoff's]
wrestling credentials are about as real as his hair, teeth, and
talent!"--Jim Cornette
"Is
that Paul Bearer's face or did his butt grow a nose?"--Jerry
Lawler
"[Sunny]'s
been makin' eyes and makin' passes at Owen Hart, and he's MINE!!!
I mean, he's under contract to me!"--Jim Cornette
"I
once again would like to give this award to somebody who's taught
me everything I know, and has had me down on the mat more times
than I could possibly remember--no Sunny, not you, sit
down!"--Shawn Michaels
"Hogan,
since you took it upon yourself to walk out here and proclaim
yourself the 'Immortal One'' let me explain something about being
a bad guy!"--Ric Flair
"You
don't have to yell at me, Schiavone. I'm not blind!"--Bobby
Heenan"Easy with the headbangin', McMahon. You might throw
that rug off!"--Shawn Michaels
"He's
got more chins than a Chinese phone book!"--Mr. Perfect on
Paul Bearer
"Somebody
gimme my sunglasses, 'cause boy his ass is bright!"--Dan
Cortese on Jeff Jarrett
"Lex
Luger--you my friend, are not as dumb as you look--then again,
nobody could be!"--Shawn Michaels
"
Who is it--Deep Throat, or does Sunny have anything to do with
it?"--Jim Cornette, on Jim Ross's "sources"
"Excuse
me, which one are you? Are you Beavis or Butthead?"--Chris
Jericho to Well Dunn
"Isn't
it painfully obvious?"--Shawn Michaels, on why he needs a
bodyguard
"They
send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the
morgue."--Arn Anderson
"Looks
like Goldust's gonna give his girlfriend artificial insem--I
mean, respiration!"--Jerry Lawler
"Easy
now, McMannequin, this is a family show--I can't say that on
television, come on!"--Shawn Michaels, when asked what the
got for Christmas
"Personally,
we think it sucks."--Sunny, referring to WCW Monday Nitro
"Alright,
everybody to my trailer for pot pies and Mountain
Dew!"--Kevin Nash
"When
the bell tolls, it tolls for thee--although Ric Flair is the only
man alive who can unring a bell."--Eddie Ellner
"As
a baby, Bret Hart was so ugly that they had to put tinted windows
on his incubator!"--Jerry Lawler
"Helen,
it's not your fault--anybody can have a bad Stu and
night."--Todd, referring to Owen Hart
"I'd
hate to end your career tonight--well, not really."--Al Snow
to the Rock & Roll Express
"Brian,
can we say the word 'slut' on television? Well that's what she
is!"--Tammy Fytch, referring to Kim Anthony
"You
know, Alundra Blayze, with her looks could star in a T.V.
western--if she had two more legs!"--Jerry Lawler
"Let's
get one thing straight--you are what you are, me, I'm a
lesbian."--Roddy Piper to Goldust
"Boy,
in this cold Calgary weather, you can see your breath. But I
understand that the Hart family can see their breath year round."--Shawn
Michaels
"I
may be old and slow and bald, but old is old, and I'm only as old
as I feel--and I feel pretty old and bald."--'The Nacho Man'
"Women
are going crazy--look what happened to Savage at Uncensored--a
half-crazed woman came out of the stands and beat him
up!"--Ric Flair
"The
World Wrestling Federation reeks of jealousy for The Heartbreak
Kid."--Shawn Michaels
"Listen
brother--the only reason they wear your crap is because they hand
it out for free, brother. And those poor suckers are promised
they'd be on T.V. if they wear it, brother. And that's the truth,
brother!"--'The Nacho Man' to the 'Huckster'
"At
least his tuxedo matches his face--they're both
ugly!"--Jerry Lawler, referring to Bret Hart
"He
looks like the Cowardly Lion, but when he faces The Heartbreak
Kid, I'm gonna send him back to Oz!"--Shawn Michaels,
referring to Kevin Nash
"What,
you can't get enough guys off the dialysis machine to get a
team?"--Kevin Nash
"I've
been up against bigger men than you are woman. And you want a
piece of me, little girl? Well, you're gonna get it!"--Sensational
Sherri to Luna Vachon
"Be
thankful Harvey Wippleman wasn't wearing his Well Dunn T-backs
tonight, folks!"--Shawn Michaels, during the Tuxedo Match
"He's
beating him with a Slim Jim!"--That HH Guy, when Kevin Nash
was beating Randy Savage with that 'beefy, juicy taste'
"I'd
say he's the shits as an actor."--Shawn Michaels, referring
to that HH guy on a radio showbeating Randy Savage with that
'beefy, juicy taste'
To The
Undertaker:
"I couldn't warm up to you if we were cremated together."
To The
Undertaker:
"This is the first time I ever interviewed an oil painting."
When asked
about Vince McMahon's toupee on AOL:
"Yes he does, and a cheap one at that. The hair is falling out and I asked him yesterday, 'How does it feel to be losing hair that isn't even yours?'"
On AOL:
"He (Isaac Yankem) has volunteered, free of charge, to fit Helen Hart with a modern set of dentures, so she can get rid of the wooden ones that were given to her by Christopher Columbus."
Referring to
Bull Nakano:
"She's got so much mousse in her hair, she's liable to sprout antlers."
Referring to
Alundra Blayze:
"I've heard of faces that could stop a clock. That face could stop Switzerland."
Referring to
Shawn Michaels:
"He's so scenic, they're thinking about making him a national park."
Referring to
Ted DiBiase:
"This guy has bookcases just for his bankbooks."
Referring to
Mike Tyson's return:
"With that Tyson fight, the only thing that got wrapped in a cocoon of horror was my cable bill."
Referring to
Jerry Garcia's passing:
"First person he saw was Elvis Presley. And he said, 'Hey Elvis, guess who you daughter married'."
Davey Boy
Smith: He'd (Luger) go out and find the best partner he could
ever find in the World Wrestling Federation.
Jerry Lawler: Yeah, but I'm not available.
"I've
never liked people that dress up in silly costumes."
"I've got
more degrees than a thermometer."
"You've
heard of buns of steel. I think Bertha Faye has got buns of
cinnamon."
"I asked
Harvey what he would do if he came home one time and found
another man in the trailer with Bertha. He said he'd hit him over
the head with his white cane and throw him and his dog out."
Referring to
Bertha Faye:
"I thought if you knocked her down, she'd rock herself to sleep trying to get up."
"I heard
Stu, Bret's father, goes to the dentist twice a year. Once for
each tooth."
Referring to
Razor Ramon:
"I'll bet every time he gets in his car, the oil light comes on."
To Vince
McMahon:
"I didn't know Fruit Of The Loom made sports coats."
"If brains
were sunshine, Razor would be a snowstorm."
To Vince
McMahon:
I knew Lee made press-on nails. I didn't know they made press-on hair."
To Shawn
Michaels:
"Being a 3-time Intercontinental champion doesn't make you a great wrestler, just like Larry King having 9 wives don't make him a great husband."
Referring to Henry Godwinn:
He needs a sign in his mouth that says 'Next Tooth One Mile'."
"I used to
love to go to school and drink from the fountain of knowledge.
You (McMahon) and Ross, you probably just gargled it."
"I
heard Razor Ramon went to a pretty tough high school. His school
newspaper had an obituary column."
To Jim Ross:
"I heard you were in school so long, the other kids started bringing you apples."
Referring to
Stu and Helen Hart:
"They never miss any big fights. They still got their ticket stubs from the Christians Vs Goliath."
Referring to
Marty Jannetty:
"The only thing harder than his muscles are his arteries."
Referring to
Bill Clinton:
"The closest thing to a foreign policy he's ever come was he once ate at an International House Of Pancakes."
To Ahmed
Johnson:
"He (Dean Douglas) says that when you graduated from kindergarten, you were so excited that you could hardly shave without cutting yourself."
Referring to Kyoko Inoue:
"She's the one that got the Beetles back together, right?"
Referring to
Aja Kong:
"I used to think there was nothing uglier than a bowling shoe."
"Razor and
Savio learned everything they know about football at Penn. State.
Excuse me, I meant state pen."
"If you
get odor-eaters for Christmas, you might be from Bitters,
Arkansas."
"If your
Christmas tree has a deer stand in it, you might be from Bitters,
Arkansas."
"If going
to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a
flashlight, you might be from Bitters, Arkansas."
"If your
two-year old has more teeth than you do, you might be from
Bitters, Arkansas."
"I saw so
many bowl games last week, McMahon, that at dinner somebody
passed me the turkey and I spiked it."
"What
about the number one movie that's out in the nation right now,
starring Stu and Helen Hart's grandchildren. You ever hear about
it? It's called '12 Monkeys'."
To Vince
McMahon:
"You know, if you were in the movies, you'd be a character actor. When you show any character, you're acting."
To Ahmed
Johnson:
"Dean Douglas told me that the toughest 4 years of your life was the third grade."
"Who cares
about Jim Ross, anyway? He'll never run for president. All he'll
run for is lunch."
Referring to
Frank Sinatra:
"The last time I heard something sounded like him singing, it was my cat being neutered."
"Well,
I've heard it said, 'It's not how old you are, it's how young you
think'. Stu must really be thinking young, because I heard he's
back to wearing diapers again."
To Vince
McMahon:
"The only present I'd give you is a going-away present. But you gotta do your part first."
Referring to
the hog pen at In Your House:
"Is that what I've been smelling? I thought your roll-on had rolled off."
Referring to
Ahmed Johnson:
"He used to hold his report card over his head trying to raise his grades."
To Ahmed
Johnson:
"I heard when you won your letter, you had to get your coach to read it to you."
Referring to
the Undertaker:
"The death of the party."
"You know
why the kids are so unhappy in Fatu's neighborhood, don't you?
Even Santa Claus won't go into that neighborhood after
dark."
Referring to Henry Godwinn:
"This guy's teeth are so dirty, he could drink water and spit Yoo-Hoo."
Lawler: You
know, Lex Luger's mom is really smart. And really strong too.
McMahon: Why's that?
Lawler: Well, from raising dumbbells like him.
"I heard
that last Christmas when Bret hung up his stocking, all he got
was a note from the health department."
Lawler: There
was only one thing that kept the Kid out of college.
McMahon: And what was that?
Lawler: High School.
Referring to
Stu and Helen Hart:
"I wouldn't believe them if their tongues were notarized."
Referring to
Razor Ramon:
"Somebody told me his doctor writes his prescriptions in spray paint."
Referring to
Paul Bearer:
"He looks like death warmed over...in a waffle iron."
Referring to
the Psychic Hotline:
"I called it the other day and she told me she had seen a big phone bill in my future."
"Bret
still thinks 'Ol' Yeller' is a movie about Stu's tooth."
Referring
to Bret Hart:
"I'm not prejudiced like that guy right there. I hate everybody equally."
Referring to
the Spanish announcers:
"They've got the perfect faces for radio."
Referring to
Steve McMichael:
"Here's a guy who couldn't tell you what a silver dollar is made of."
Referring to
Sunny:
"She's as pretty as a picture...and quite a frame too."
Referring to
Sunny:
"Good buns and a nice pair of...shoes too."
Referring to
Sunny:
Lawler: She once asked me out, McMahon.
McMahon: She did, huh? Out to where?
Lawler: Well, I was in her room.
"Bob
Backlund knows a thing or two about finishing maneuvers. He sure
knows how to finish up a career."
"...Bob
'Spark Plugg' Holly, who came in last in his last race because he
kept pulling into the pit asking for directions."
"Tonight
on the 'King's Court' I am going to talk to Bret 'The Hitman'
Hart. You know. The guy with those Jurassic Park parents. Look at
Stu Hart, he is so old, I told him at act his age, so he dropped
dead. And Helen Hart, she was just born old. When she was a
teenager her acne had liver spots."
Asking Bret
Hart about the 1993 King Of The Ring when Lawler attacked Bret:
"Do you remember that or do you have so much oil on your head that it slipped your mind."
(TL Hopper is
on his way to the ring)
Lawler: What is that terrible smell?
McMahon: It's probably Betsy.
Lawler: Who?
McMahon: Betsy, TL Hoppers plunger.
Lawler: Oh, I thought that Betsy was the lady sitting behind us.
"Isaac
Yankem is so tough, he could floss him teeth with barb
wire."
"Is that
Paul Bearer's face, or did his butt grow a nose."
"Paul
Barer has got more chins than a Chinese phone book."
"Stu Hart
is so old, when he was in school, history was never taught."
"C'mom
McMahon. If someone kept telling how awesome, fast, and how good
your are, your head would get so big that your toupee would not
be able to fit on it."
(Mankind
sometimes yanks his hair out and holds it up)
"Look McMahon, there is some extra hair for your toupee."
"Mankind
may yank his hair out, but if he is not careful around you
McMahon, he may pull yours off."
"Barry
Horowitz beating Goldust is like O.J. Simpson hosting a banquet
for spousal abuse."
"I hear
that Goldust is coming down hear to do commentary. When he comes
down hear to play with your toupee, he will notice something
special about yours. It has imitation dandruff."
"Yokozuna
is nothing but an ingrate. If it was not for Jim Cornette,
Yokozuna would still be on a beach selling shade."
"Once
Queasy gets done with Dink, Dink is going back to the only job he
was ever good at, and that is being a desk clerk at a roach
motel."
(A picture of a
warthog was shown during a flashback of a WWF tour to South
Africa)
"Hey Ross,
I see that you brought your wife."
(King's Court:
Jim "the Anvil" Neidhart challenges the "British
BullDog" Davey Boy Smith to a match)
"So Bulldog, do you accept his challenge, or is your breath worse than bite."
(King' Court:
Lawler walks into the crowd)
"Let me tell you what I am doing Savage, I am going to talk to a dating couple. Something you nothing about. All your dates are the same, inflatable....In fact, the computer dating service called me up and told me that they found the perfect date for, but the zoo would not let her out."
(In the same
King's Court: Lawler ask a girl if she will marry her boyfriend)
"Why don't you marry him, he seems like a nice guy? Look at his ex-girlfriend, she has been around more than a carousal."